I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
