I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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