Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
zippers are such a cool invention
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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