I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
