I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
