dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
