i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
