I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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