Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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