Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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