If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
and you fell through a lawn chair
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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