now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
