if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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