HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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