I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Randomize
