Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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