Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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