i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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