Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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