Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
