the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
