So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
