i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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