I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
