Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
