so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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