Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
