Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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