areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
