she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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