you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
