I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
