Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
