I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
