I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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