just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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