i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
