TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
