Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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