he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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