i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
