if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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