I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
