So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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