Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize