you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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