did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
