dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
