I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
