Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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