dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
