its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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