i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize