census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
