hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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