I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
