I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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